On Relationships

I admit, I have been very skeptical lately. Tracking my last post in the field of psychology, I have been really thinking about concepts of identity, identity construction, interaction with other people, etc. It is absolutely impossible to meet someone and not change their lives in some way, it's a scary thought. Perhaps even in a small way: you can meet them and immediately they perceive you somehow (as it pertains to themselves, since all information we have about anything is a selected fragment of what that "thing" truly is). And, to continue, what information we filter into our minds reflects the manner in how it affects us. Example, looking at a kick-ball, I see it as its physical properties, what would happen if I kicked it in some way, how it bounces, what I can use it for, etc. I do NOT think "wow, people around the world use this ball. I wonder if this kid in Africa has fun using it." I mean, perhaps, but that's not the general thought pattern; we see things in the way they pertain to us. And we see people in the same way, too. Not necessarily what we can use them for, per se, but in a comparitive manner to ourselves.

What is respect? Respecting someone you have not met, having idols, etc. These people have not done anything for us. They have not helped us in any way, so why do we still admire (and keep that word in mind for later on) them?

And why, when we meet someone, do we dismiss them? Why do we think, "Wierd kid, I'm staying away from him." Obviously, universally, everyone is unquantifiable. You could take the most boring person, the most awkward person, and if you took the time to try and know them, you would realize how absolutely significant they are. But we don't obviously; I mean, who has the time, right? So it's filtering. First impressions. We see things in people that mean something to us. Obviously we don't see people and think "I wonder how fast they can run the mile?" unless, of course, you're a runner. To me, when I see someone, at least right now, I feel like the first thing that subconsciously crosses my mind is, "Is this a cool kid? Am I going to enjoy spending time with him? How secure is he?" And so on. All of these, and all of anyone's perception of anyone else, represent something about the viewer.

To say you admire someone simply means to you, they represent something you feel insecure about yourself. Otherwise, you simply know someone. But we really only know someone when we're on drugs or for a split second, and then it's gone. They revert to being an object in our mind. And who is to blame you for it? It's simply the way we take information. We don't perceive concepts at once, we take in parts of them in object form and, in a miraculous way (which I really can't explain), we can put it together outside of words in our head and see it in its entirety.

So, that's respect. If you meet someone, and you talk to them at a party, and you think "Cool kid, I should hang out with them more", it's something about yourself, and same thing for a negative reaction. I mean, at this age, I know almost nobody who is not insecure about being perceived as socially inadequate - it's this "college-aged collective mass degeneration" where to fit in. Acting like a party-ape to continue acting like a party-ape.

But taking this concept of respect, admiration, shunning as it pertains to identity, let's move on to when we start to form a relationship with that person. The more you know them, after starting a relationship based on admiration (which seems to be virtually all college relationships), the more you see them in their entirety. The less mystery there is, the more you start to perceive them as a person instead of a concept or object in your head. I mean, I could meet the 'coolest' person at school, and if hung around them all the time and really started to get a picture of them, I would realize they're just as human as me. it's this admiration that makes us see people as not people, but extensions of ourselves: Projecting.

Anyway, forming a relationship. Let's look at the power dynamic that forms within all relationships. One person eventually wants to hang around the other, and the second person starts to lose their image of the first. One's image grows, one's image shrinks. We are still not perceiving people as people. Or maybe we are, and we're just consciously ignoring it (something that happens, believe me). Fast forward this to the extreme. Person A is obsessed with Person B, and B is disgusted by A's admiration of them (assuming they're aware of identity's role in this). Person A starts to LOSE their sense of self (their identity) and live vicariously through the life of B, which is really what obsessing is, and B adds to their definition of self as more independent of A, perhaps even of being better than A. But really, B is still admiring and chasing after their own C's, and C's to D's, all the way to the top. And what's at the top? A sociopath. Someone who is truly free of all desire for human contact to content their self.

When two people meet, one's admiration of the other grows, and the other's admiration turns to scorn, representing inside themself their own insecurity to be seen in the other's position. After enough time spent with someone, unless both people are fully self-sufficient, which would rule out having a relationship in the first place, this dynamic evolves.

So what is a relationship? Construction of one's identity through objectification of other people. Except for that split second of intrapersonal comprehension, but that's just a second and we fall back into our regular means of perception.

I feel like if I really worked at it, I could get just about anyone to admire me, respect me, whatever you call it, but I feel so...wrong, so morally, depressingly, gut-wrenchingly wrong about affecting the development of another person's life. God knows my life has been shaped in large parts through being the one on the weaker side of this power dynamic. Where would I be if it had never happened? Ignorantly blissful of many concepts and ideas of the world. Do I advocate this approach to life?

Am I in a position, having told you about this, and obviously seeing as how my words will in some way shape you, can I still tell you how I feel about anything? I wouldn't fucking dare.